MOTHERF*CKER

Excuse the title. I'm feeling rather angry today.

Today's my sister's birthday. I don't have a lot of homework. Just have a quiz to study for but it's an essay and I know I can write my way out of essays.

I've been feeling a bit angry and frustrated these past few weeks. Friends are supposed to be your stress reliever. Your part of actual peace in your life. I haven't really been feeling that vibe with my other friends. I'm not backstabbing or anything. It's just that I'm tired of this. I've been tired because of all this drama that I feel like most of us have been dragged into.

I'm not used to drama. There is drama in my life but I don't deal with it to this extent, most of the time I just either laugh it off or just not give a damn anymore. That's how I feel numb sometimes. Call me heartless but I'm just tired of this. Helping people who actually don't need it drains the energy out of you. Because it leaves you feeling disappointed and last night I just kept on texting swear words to my friend. That shows how angry I was.

I'm trying to be a good sport here and I try to keep playing the game. But isn't life a friggin team sport?. How can you play when the other members won't cooperate?

The other thing is, I'M FVCKING TIRED OF BEING CALLED A BOYFRIEND STEALER. My mom warned me about this. Being too close to guys who are already taken, I told her that their girlfriends know that I'm just a friend. And she told me to make sure of that.

I guess I was wrong on that part. This is probably the 4th time I've been thought of as a boyfriend stealer. I know my boundaries. I've been cheated on and I know that it isn't pretty. It hurts like hell, so why the heck would I try and steal other people's boyfriends when I know it won't do any good to me. I swear that I lay my line between friendship and romance and I sure as hell make sure that I don't cross it. Right now to be honest I feel offended and it makes me look a slut.

Maybe these girls don't realize it but they feel like they're the only one's being hurt. I'm hurt even more. I have feelings too. I've gone through a rocky relationship and somehow that's taught me something. These girls should realize that I've gone through enough to know what I should and shouldn't do and stop feeling to fvcking insecure. I swear I just want the whole world to...

We'll be going to Sn'R later. I'll be expecting a huge slice of pizza when I get there. That'll be one source of relief for today.

Urgh....

I get sudden hits of depression sometimes. I know, weird. I just get all fvcking sad and get all emo. It's not like I'm bipolar or anything. It's just that my mood swings are pretty freaky. I think I'm depressed now cause tomorrow's a Thursday. I don't know anyone from my Thursday classes.

AS IN 0. ZILCH

People keep on staring at me. It's awkward. I hate people staring at me. Especially if I don't know them. I know that my look doesn't really give of "Ms. Friendly". Even my good friends say that their first impression of me was stand-offish. For short I kinda look like a bitch. Which I admit doesn't really win over alot of friends at first. Which is why some people seek my friends opinions on who I really am. I'm one of the nicest and friendliest people that you will ever meet. I swear. I guess I give off a tough exterior cause of the pain I've felt my whole life.

I MUST REMIND MYSELF TO....

People say I have a really nice smile. I smile alot. But only when I'm with my friends and family.But nonetheless, I must stay positive!. Must continue to be optimistic!. Must not let these things get in the way. Must read my assignment for tomorrow's bio class!

Ooh College..

The 1st week of classes was crazy and stressful. In my MWF classes I know at least 3 people in each of my classes. But when it came to my TTh classes I only knew like 2 people and that's only in one class. It's hard to feel lonely when you're in a room with a bunch of people who know each other. And with my Journalism lanyard I stick out like a sore thumb all cause I only have one class in a Journalism section. I vow to make friends in my TTh classes so that I wouldn't feel awkward this whole semester.

Assignments for the weekend: My RC(Rizal Course) professor gave us some books to read on for the weekend. Tried searching for them in the library after my class last Friday, no luck. Someone must've checked them out. I decided to try and look for them at National Bookstore, though I'd but them instead. Only found one of the books. Still reading it, page 1-20. Pretty interesting book, but I find it long and winding.

Then we have this assignment for Computer class. Search for some abbreviated words.

I'm already on my 2nd year of college and I, like all people are having a hard time. This is only my 1st week and I feel so stressed out. The sched I made would slowly kill me. No breaks on MWF. Though I made a 3 hr break for myself in my TTh sched. Hoping that everything would work out alright this semester.

Good thing I'll get to see my high school friends tomorrow. I'm sure that'll cheer me up:)

Newswriting Here I Come

I've been stressing over my major subject for 2 friggin weeks now. It's a pre requisite of all our other major subjects. The thing is the hardest subjects to actually get are the 1st year ones. They don't give out the 1st year subjects until like the last minute when classes actually friggin' start.

The full load is 24 units composed of 8 subjects. 2 weeks ago was the encoding of subjects for irregulars. Since I had no choice I had 2nd year subjects encoded. But I left out one space for my major, praying and hoping that I would get it if God let me. A lot of us needed that major subject badly. We kept on being persistent little creeps, but still they kept on telling us to leave our names in the list. The friggin list doesn't do anything. They either lose it or just don't mind it at all.

So this Monday was our enrollment, tried seeing if we could get the 1st year subjects already. They said we should wait tomorrow. I already enrolled and just said that I'd add the subject I needed next time. Tuesday came, still nothing, on Wednesday pa daw. The day when classes start. Dandy right?.

I prayed so hard last night. I even told myself stuff like, "I will get that slot. I will get into Newswriting." So I came to the dean's office at 7 in the morning. Waited for about 30 mins til they asked us to go downstairs for encoding again of subjects.

I was told that only special subjects were offered for encoding. And my major wasn't one of them. Still I was persistent. I listed my major subject in the form, my friend saw it and told me that it wasn't offered. I said I would still try no matter what. That's how bad I needed and wanted that slot.

And thank God my persistence paid of, I GOT THE MAJOR SUBJECT. Which is Newswriting. And can I say "PHEW". Well I missed my first subject this morning just to enroll for my major subject but at least it was for a good cause.

Thank you Lord and I swear I will really try to rock this semester. My grades last sem were high. But I really want to go for all 1 this time:)

I Am Everyday People

After so many months I've only watched the indie movie the runaways this afternoon. I loved it actually. I'm very into indie movies. Most especially the fact that it's about rock legends the Runaways.

I enjoyed watching the movie and it made me miss just basically leaning back and rocking to a good old classic album. So I decided to download the album "Fit To Be Tied". I've been listening to it for 3 hours now. I feel refreshed, empowered and I feel like myself.

Somehow there's this sense in me that says that I lost myself or just basically I lost some of my personality. Listening to this album actually made me relax and let go. Maybe if you listen to it you'd feel so out of your wits cause of how loud it is. I'm inspired to write songs again, it's been about a year since I've written my last song. And I wrote my last song cause I was asked to and cause I was paid for it.

I miss that feeling of inspiration to write things on the spot. To just have a line constantly run through your mind, waiting for that zing of ideas. I'm a writer and an artist. This is what I live for. I thought I lost that spirit. But I know now it's coming back. Slowly but at least it's coming back.

Thank you Joan Jett and thank you music. You inspired me.

Complicated

Humans.

Among all the living species in this earth, I believe that they are the hardest to live with and the hardest kind to figure out. We may say that science would help us figure humans out but that isn't enough. I can't really identify who people are or what they really want. Figuring out who they are. People are too spontaneous. The baggage that comes with them fails to inform us of how heavy the load they carry or if they carry any load at all.

We practically spend a lifetime either trying to live with them or just being fed up with them and we just suddenly die. No one has a definite answer to who they are. Maybe that's why in relationship stat's in social networks there's a "IT'S COMPLICATED" button to choose from.

Isn't that the best definition for who are "COMPLICATED". Always have been. Always will be. I know that humans are special. But what makes them special?. Is it their bipolar ways?. Their constant love of all things lively?. The range of differences that complete them?. Or maybe there really is something inside of them that makes them so special.

Drastic..

I chopped my hair off yesterday. I went from this...

To this...

I decided to chop off my hair to this length all because I hated:

1. the hassle of sleeping at night with my hair going to my neck and face

2. the heat in UST is absolutely horrendous

3. because my hair is thick the heat really does get me

4. blowdrying in the morning takes me about 20 minutes.

5. constantly having to make sure that my hair looks ok

6. just having to think about what hairstyle i wanted for that day

7. sometimes to forget my hair scrunchy and have to fan myself the whole day, i end up with my hair going all over the place.

Those may look like really simple reasons but I've also been wanting to cut my hair off this short for a long time. I guess I just wanted to wait for the right time to get this kind of haircut.

I Feel So Different

I miss writing. I miss being able to express myself through writing without restrain.

I feel like I've lost that sense of freedom in me ever since I got into college. Why?. I don't know. Maybe I was too driven towards the path of the fine arts that I forgot what I actually loved to do. Which was writing. I looked at my blogs in multiply, I wrote a lot there when I was in high school, that was my therapy. And plus, if I had a story to tell my hands would itch if I didn't post a blog about it.

I don't know why now in college when I feel like I have so much more to say, that's when I just stop typing my stories, I just stopped telling my thoughts. I feel like I lost part of me through that.

I don't know if you could consider that as writers block, but I do. It's been years since I wrote a blog that would be as deep as those which I would write in high school. I now question whether I have changed or not. I don't know what's going on.

I have thoughts in my head but I don't know how to express them anymore. I feel so stuck in this rift. I've been stuck in it for a year and a half now.

I've been constantly trying to get out of the rift. I can't seem to do that. I want to write more.

Sometimes it makes me depressed, not being able to write what I really want to. I mean there are times when I would just start typing here on my blog and then, I just stop, it's like I lose all excitement in telling my story. As of now I blog at most is once a month, I used to blog every week. What's going on with me?

I feel so different.

2 Debuts in One Night

You read it right, I have actually experienced going to two debuts in one night.

It's very stressful to have to constantly calculate time and worry whether you're gonna make it one time or not.

The first debut I went to was one of my best friends in the whole world, Luisa Estanislao

Eastlaw(http://luisaeastlaw.blogspot.com/). Her part was held in Jade Valley over the Timog area. She asked me, Tricia Ildefenso and Joanna Fernandez to emcee for her but Joanna/Popoy didn't push through with the emcee bit, so Tricia and I were left. The group that I ate with, which was mostly composed of boys, attacked the food with in 20 mins. Gee, Lulu's money was

sure worth it on our table. LOL. Well Trish and I hosted as best as we could. haha. I was also part of the 18 candles. Well after the program and photo opts with Lulu, I left with Tricia and Angelica Marcelino for Frances' Debut.

Rode in our car then went to EDSA Shang for Frances' party. We got there in just maybe 15-20 mins. Thank God there was no traffic.

When we got there I texted Pauline to tell her that we had just arrived, she replied that we were

going to speak in a few na. We all panicked, I led Trish and Angge to the wrong floor so we ran and asked a receptionist. I couldn't take the pain in my feet anymore, I took off my heels and ran to the function room of Frances party. We got there just in time. We were sort off sweating and taking in deep breaths but what was important was that we got there in time. After 5 mins I was one of the 18 roses and I kinda did a sabaw dance with Frances then I was also part of the 18 specials. After the program we ate a bit more and we had a mini photoshoot:)

I love these 2 girls and that's how special they are to me. They are 2 of the fliest chicks that I hang out with. I tried to make it to both of their debuts and thank God I did. I love you Luisa and Frances. Again happy birthday:)

Hold Up, This Ain't Right

My morning was filled with OMG and WTF moments.

While I was on the jeep on my way to school, seated in front of me was a guy. Probably in his early 40's and the girl seated beside me studies in Trinity. Probably half way the trip I noticed that the Trinity girl kept on looking outside. I found it weird. Anyway I was doing what I usually do on any other commuting trip. I was minding my own business, listening to my iPod. Then the guy I was telling you earlier, started widening his legs. You know, sitting the way guys usually do since their side was getting roomier. As he was widening his legs, I noticed that he wasn't wearing a brief or boxer shorts. Dear God, I saw one of his balls and I immediately looked away in disgust. Then I figured maybe the girl from Trinity saw it earlier and that's why started looking outside. I think the guy got a hint that me and the girl from Trinity saw his, urgh-you know, he started closing his legs, and at one I noticed his legs shaking, he probably couldn't stand closing his legs. After seeing that shiz I was happy to get to my destination which was UST.

I can't believe that some old guy would that kind of bull shit off. It's disgusting.

Then as I was on my way home after class, I rode the LRT as I was expecting traffic and I wanted to get home ASAP. Luckily the LRT was roomier the time I got rode it so I got a seat. I blasted my iPod's volume and started texting some of my friends about my traumatizing experince earlier. There was this guy who rode on the station after I got on. He remained standing, ignoring the empty space in the seat right across mine. Then as the LRT was moving he started walking across the LRT compartment we were in. I thought he was going to find a more roomy compartment but he just came back where he was, which was standing in front me. After a few more rounds of walking across the same LRT compartment, people started noticing his oddness and the were looking at him. I again opted to not care and wait til my stop comes. But then, this guy started dancing. And it wasn't the vibe of random dancing that I always get from my buddy Jonah(who is a great dancer btw), I got the OMFG-WTH-is-this-guy-doing-he's-creeping-the-fuck-out-of-me vibe. I felt like that was the longest LRT ride I had ever gone on.

The morning has been effing crazy. I'm going out with my family later to GH, what kind of effing wonders shall I encounter later?

The Wait Is Over

Finally after so many months of waiting I actually got my.....

*drum roll*

CANON 450D!!

Woot! woot!. I was actually aiming for the canon 550d, but it was too pricey for my aunt and uncle. So I settled for the 450d. And I think that it's awesome!. I just got it delivered yesterday from one of the store's in Hidalgo. I immediately took shots when I got it on my hands. The camera is a bday gift from my dad's sister and brother. BTW, THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!

I seriously can't express how happy I truly feel about getting this camera. I feel so lucky to be given the chance to actually own this kind of camera. I'm still getting used to adjusting some of the settings since the camera's I borrow are usually Nikon branded. But I really love the quality of the photos I took with it.

I plan to upload soon on my flckr account once I have time. Tah-tah. I have a math quiz to study for. Wish me luck!. Til my next blog:)

Not All Filipinos Are Like Mendoza

It's been 2 days since the Quirino grandstand hostage taking and the Filipino's in general have been apologizing to the world, mostly to HK for practically every offensive action we could possibly do.

Monday evening everyone watched with anticipation the intense hostage taking. We were all fearing for the victim's lives and we all prayed while watching for their safety. Every Filipino constantly commented on the S.W.A.T teams slow actions, the president's absence during the whole standoff and that it seemed that Mendoza had the ball in his court.

In the end 8 died, 7 remain injured. It was truly a sad loss not only for the people of HK but also for the people in this country. Even though we don't have any part in the hostage taking we all are sincerely sorry for the loss of many lives. No one could have ever seen this coming. At present the national security is being questioned and even the seriousness on the situation is being talked about.

Today was a national day of mourning for the souls lost in the terrible incident. We all prayed for their souls and we continue to look up to God and ask what will happen in the next few moments from now on.

I find it unfair that we are being blamed for one man's unfortunate actions. But I am also embarrassed that we are being put under fire for recent photo's of policemen and student's surfacing of turning the bus into a tourist spot. They're adding even more shame to our now badly earned reputation. It was on Monday that we all knew that the world would look at the Philippines in a new perspective. CNN is even rubbing it in our faces, I actually used to watch CNN alot, but now they make us all look like terrorists and they add fear to the people of other countries. It's offensive to try to watch the international news and have constant negative comments being said about your homeland.

Even with all the embarrassment I am still proud to call myself a Filipino. You shouldn't say anything about another country or another nationality unless you've actually been in that country for a reasonable amount of time. All that I'm saying is, people around the world shouldn't be quick to judge Filipino's. Every culture is different. I know that innocent foreigner's had gotten hurt and now the government is looking at this as a very sad lesson for all of us.

We don't deserve the title for the worst country, no country does for that matter. Because in every country there are at least a huge amount of people who work hard to not only make themselves proud but to also make their country proud. There are still those people who make us proud to wear the title FILIPINO.

Receiving Both Grief and Joy

Have you ever felt the confused on how you were supposed to feel at a specific moment?

Well I'm feeling that right now. My mom just gave me some letters that came in the mail. And she immediately said "Don't cry.". I knew right away that it was probably a card from my uncle Ding's family. If you read my previous post you would know that my uncle passed away around 2 weeks ago. The thank you card read that they thanked us for our comfort and support during their trying times. Enclosed was 2 pictures of my uncle. I will admit that it was heartbreaking and it really made me stop from finishing my report.

Next I noticed that there was an even bigger envelope and it was in gold. I looked at the back and saw my Aunt's initials. I remembered that she was going to get married next month. She's the daughter of my grandfather's brother, you get it?. haha. Anyway we also lived with their family almost half of our stay there in America. My auntie Melissa is inviting us to her wedding on September. Obviously we can't go but it was a very nice gesture for them to decide to send us an invitation.

Right now I feel confused on how I should feel. Receiving both happiness and grief at the same time is pretty hard to deal with.

Dealing With The Inevitable

Nothing but shock and sadness enveloped my family and I last night when we received such awful news. My ninang(daddy's sister) who's Pampangga for a business trip, called last night looking for my dad and mom. I answered the phone and told her that they weren't here yet. And at the same my sister also answered the phone.

Then my ninang told us that she had some sad news to tell us, I asked what it was and she said that my uncle Ding had died. My sister and I had stunned reactions. I asked how

he died she said that it was cause of a car accident. Right after that phone call I cried cause of shock and I told my sister that he didn't deserve to die, because he really is such a good man.

Tito Ding is my dad's cousin who lives in the States. I just saw him around January because my family and I spent the holidays in the States. When we were in San Francisco, tito Ding welcomed me and my family and my dad's friends in his home. He was never selfish and he was always in a giving mood. Constantly wearing a smile on his face. Even for just those 2weeks of spending time with him I kind of knew what kind of person he was.

I was still crying before I went to sleep and I prayed for his soul and asked the Lord why did it happen to such a good person?. I guess I'll find out the answer after a long time. When I woke up this morning I spoke with my parents and they told me more about the accident. It was Tuesday, my uncle was driving back to Tracy from the 4th of July weekend. When suddenly this car was I think driving in the wrong lane and their cars collided. The other person in the other car was easily identified and it took days to ID my uncle.

He'll be buried I think next Saturday. Please pray for my uncle Edgardo "Ding" Lagunzad's soul. May eternal rest grant unto him o Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace.

We love you tito Ding. I hope that you're happy up there:)

I Love You Maxie

This is our dog Maxie, she's a chow chow. We've had her since I was in the 5th grade. Ever since she was a puppy I would take care of her. That's how much I love her.

But she isn't my first dog. My first dog was actually an askal or in english a street dog. I named her Ponggo because I loved the movie 101 Dalmatians. Whenever I would hang out outside I would pet him. But then after a few years or so she had to be out to sleep because she was really sick.

We went through around 3 or4 dogs until we got Maxie. My ninang Rosette bought her at a pet store stall in one of the supermarkets here in Metro Manila. It was actually a "on-the-spot" decision. haha. So after 6 years Maxie has gotten problems with her kidney and after 2 days in the hospital she's going to have to be put to sleep to stop the pain.

I cried when my ninang told me that. I will really really really miss her.

WTF

What makes us a stronger person?

For me, what makes me a stronger is just to be able to understand and have enough patience. I guess started with this topic because my cousin, who I have really known my whole life is really driving me insane.

Get ready for my rants in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....

He's really obnoxious and sometimes just really rude. He was like this when we were kids, he practically drowned me when we were little. His boastfulness receded probably when we were in high school. And now I just can't stand him. He's practically back to his old ways.

We often get into debates and sometimes when he and I hang out I just don't talk to him that much because I don't want to get into another fight with him. I show him how uninterested I am in what he's talking about.

He tells me that his mind is more mature. So he thinks that starting arguments is really mature. Tss yeah right.

He knows I'm peeved at him and I know he tries to win me back by doing nice things. But then he kinda jerks off again. I just don't get him. Yes we're really close but sometimes it's to the point that I can't stand him.

And just because he's older he thinks that he can control me. Like when we talked about me voting, he said that I should vote for whoever he votes for. Tsssss

He keeps on talking to me how Aquino will ruin the Philippines and that it's no use to vote. Oh yeah, that coming from someone who actually sold his vote.

Yes, I'm upset with him. I just try to tell myself that he thinks he'll be a stronger person if he keeps on pushing people around.

I'm just trying to lengthen my patience even more.

Figuring It All Out

I am slowly becoming more and more insane by the day. I don't know. Maybe it's because I start to wrack my brain for answers now. And I'm actually trying to figure out things in life. Of course there won't always be an answer for everything.

Maybe I'm just trying to grow up. I seriously don't know the answer to my insanity.

I think it's cause I've lost myself. In my essay in MC for the entrance exam, there was one question that asked what is my greatest joy in life. I answered, to know who I am. To be honest, I have no idea why the hell I answered that. I guess I just didn't know what to answer which was why I put that in writing.

Truth be told I really don't know that much about myself. I'm still confused on tho I really am. I might be just one those people in the world who go on with their lives, soul searching. Trying to figure out who they are.

As of now I know very little about myself and just like everyone else i'm only sure about myself 80% of the time. I believe that the hardest person to figure out is yourself. You know that you've gone bonkers when you yourself can't even explain your own actions, because you yourself are responsible for all that.

Am I the only one who is soul searching in this earth?. No. I'm a teenager, those so called scientists would say that it's normal for an adolescent like me to go soul searching. But when an adult does it most people think that they're crazy.

I believe that soul searching chooses no one, no age, no limit. It's just a matter of how smart you are to actually figure out yourself.

For my case, I'll wait, I will be patient enough to just go on with my life. As I go on I will slowly learn more about who I am. I may not get the answers to my questions right now. But I'm sure I will get them in one way or another:)

Waiting In Vain?

It's enough that I worry about my grades, but know, I'm not even sure if I still have a school to go to for the next semester. You've heard me bitch around about how much I panic about not having a school. I bitch around cause it worries me. It worries the shit out of me.

I heard from my friend Bal that we would get to take the entrance exam at around the start of June, in my mind I said "Ohkayy now WTF?!". I'm panicking. Every effing day my fear gets worse. It's hard to cope with that. Not being able to know and having your educational fate sealed by someone you've only known for like a month doesn't leave a comfortable feeling.

Shifting is all a waiting game. That's what I've learned for now. Hopefully all that waiting will be worth it.

Alice In Wonderland Movie Review

Alice in Wonderland is one the most anticipated movies of this year. Come to think of it, it knocked of Avatar as one of the most top grossing 3D movies, in just a week or maybe even 3 days. Crazy right?

Well I was planning to watch it with my friends but while I was in Gateway this afternoon with my ninang Rosette and my little sister, they wanted to watch it. A real spur of the moment so to speak.

Well, even before today I started reading reviews of the meaning. They were mixed. Most were bad reviews. But, just because this had bad reviews doesn't mean I was discouraged to watch it. Well, Johny Depp in 3D, what kind of woman could resist that?. haha

Well while we were getting our popcorn and drinks I could see the very long line of people waiting to enter theater 5. Even still in it's 2nd week the movie never failed to pack in audiences.

(BTW I was soooooo psyched that Pacquiao won!. He must've raked in big bucks again for that fight. Congrats Manny\m/)

Anyway, as I was sitting down I noticed that I was just a seat apart from Frankie Mamaril, I can't believe she still remembers me. haha. Well, in my mind I was debating with myself-I just realized how retarded I sound-on whether to put on my glasses while watching the movie or just take them off cause I could see even without it. Then the movie started, I decided to watch it with my glasses, I blame it all on myself, I always over analyze. Then later in the movie I decided to take my glasses off cause I was starting to get uncomfortable, but then I couldn't see that well, so I put my glasses back on. They should create better 3D glasses for those wear glasses.

Back to the movie, I thought that the story was well thought. I think that the relationship between Alice and the Mad Hatter was misunderstood by audiences. Most of them thought that they were an item, I perceived them as having a best friend kind of relationship. Either way I just hoped that they went to the actual root of how the Mad Hatter had such a deep relationship with Alice.

I believe that it was much more nicer in the pocket to watch it in just a regular cinema. I didn't really get the feeling that it was 3D. It was almost like they said that it was 3D just to get audiences. So if you plan to watch it then I recommend you watch it in a regular cinema. That's just my opinion.

I had high expectations for this movie, since I loved the animated Alice in Wonderland. Unfortunately this didn't really make the cut for me. I love this but not as much as I love the animated Alice in Wonderland:)

Those "Heart Attacks"

You know those times when you feel like you're having a heart attack when you worry about things that really matter to you. Well, I've been having that this whole month. It's because I'm stressing out about my shifting.

You see I'm not 100% sure that I'm a total shoe in for the course. I love writing and all. It's just that, this is college, everything is so uncertain. I laugh most of the time. I do it just to hide what I'm really feeling inside. I mask my fear.

I'm afraid. Afraid that my future will be uncertain. That all my hard work this 2nd sem will all be put to waste. I'm the kind of person that's all optimistic most of the time. But this time, when my chances are pretty bleak, I just lose all hope. I'm starting to see life as how most people see it. A much more cruel way of torture.

Why air my thoughts publicly?. I don't know. I just can't take it anymore. Keeping emotions bottled up inside you, is not a very good habit. I cry alot. Which hasn't happened to me in a long time. I just pray that all will go well.

I pray that I pass all my subjects. THAT INCLUDES PE. That a slot will be open for me. That the dean of the college of arts and letters accepts my desire to shift. That if he accepts, that I pass the entrance exam.

I know that I'm asking for a lot. It's just that I have these "heart attacks" usually when it comes to academics. I worry about this because my education means so much to me. And well frankly, this also is connected to my future. Which scares me.