Monday, January 23, 2012

i seem to need a reality check

i dreamt about him the other night. i have no idea if you people know who him is, well idc, this is my blog so imma post about it anyway. i may probably be in a cranky mood since i'm slightly sleepy and i need some rest.

anyway back to my dream, we saw each other again in a movie theater and he had a new girlfriend. yeah i summed the story up because it's too long and i can't remember the rest. this whole thing is fucked up to me because we haven't talked in months and he has a girlfriend and i would like to say that i have a boyfriend or a fling or just someone i have a connection with right now, but no, fact is with the billions of people in this world it's hard to find an actual connection, even if it's just temporary.

maybe i'm just frustrated that i haven't quite found one of those so called "the one" crap. i may probably be having one of "those days", where i'm bitter, i'm all alone bla bla bla and all that shit. trust me this has gone on, this will pass, i've gone through one of these episodes, but when will i eventually stop having these episodes?. soon i hope.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

new year, new rants

"Ang ganda naman ni Patricia, may boyfriend ka na ba?"

That's what I always here from my aunt's and uncle's whenever we see each other, i smile then politely say "wala po eh". then cue light laugh, this has practically been a routine for me. if i had a peso for everytime someone asked me that I would probably have 40 or 50 pesos, enough to buy a light snack or something else.

But the thing is I don't get a peso for it. The first few times people would ask me that I wouldn't mind it, but I guess now it just got to me. I don't get pissed because I get asked that ALL the time, but maybe it's because I feel like the universe is conspiring to remind me that I'm single. I've been single for 4 years now (oh shit, it's been that long?), so I know the whole lovey dovey thing. The parts when someone texts you good morning and tells you i'll call you tonight and you talk until you both fall asleep. We weren't legal at that time, meaning our parents didn't know but his parents found out and they were cool with it, mine never found out.

Anyway maybe I've peeved by the feeling that "i found someone i was really happy with and i had an actual relationship with. then why the hell can't I find someone else to fill that void he left?". When i should actually be looking for someone better. Yes there are guys who've flirted with me, tried to court me, some I haven't responded to, some I've even flirted back with, they just probably didn't know that I was flirting back, cause when I flirt oh dear God I suck at that shit. Seriously, I have the flirtatious knowledge of a pen, trust me when I flirt it's like I'm just plain talking to someone.

Some of my guy friends say that I'm hard to get or that I'm choosy, maybe because they know the fck a guy goes through to get a girl to be their girlfriend, the thing is, don't I have just the same right as those guys do?. The girl who actually is willing to give herself to a guy, doesn't she have as much on the line as the guy?. Don't I have the right to choose the guy I'm going to go end up with?

I know that someone asked me once what if the guy that i didn't like made a super grand gesture for me and asked me to be his girlfriend, would i then answer him yes?, i said no, i still wouldn't be his girlfriend, even though I know it would be one of the biggest insults I would make but better to have the guys heart broken for that one time rather than have his heart broken for the length of the time he and i would be together, knowing that the whole relationship is a lie.

Who am I to talk about being wooed, when I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I'm not perfect. I just need someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to be around my insanity, someone who's actually willing to listen to me and well although i seem to be pushing them away that guy shouldn't be afraid to go and chase me because he knows I'm worth it.

I'll be 20 in a few months, I've gained about 10 lbs(meaning i don't fit into some of my clothes anymore) and well my love life went from about 50% awesome to absolutely non-existent. Yes there is a part of me that wishes that this will all get better soon.

me with an enthusiastic thumbs up. cheers to the new year everyone. BTW I will try my best to start updating my blog more:)