i seem to need a reality check

i dreamt about him the other night. i have no idea if you people know who him is, well idc, this is my blog so imma post about it anyway. i may probably be in a cranky mood since i'm slightly sleepy and i need some rest.

anyway back to my dream, we saw each other again in a movie theater and he had a new girlfriend. yeah i summed the story up because it's too long and i can't remember the rest. this whole thing is fucked up to me because we haven't talked in months and he has a girlfriend and i would like to say that i have a boyfriend or a fling or just someone i have a connection with right now, but no, fact is with the billions of people in this world it's hard to find an actual connection, even if it's just temporary.

maybe i'm just frustrated that i haven't quite found one of those so called "the one" crap. i may probably be having one of "those days", where i'm bitter, i'm all alone bla bla bla and all that shit. trust me this has gone on, this will pass, i've gone through one of these episodes, but when will i eventually stop having these episodes?. soon i hope.

new year, new rants

"Ang ganda naman ni Patricia, may boyfriend ka na ba?"

That's what I always here from my aunt's and uncle's whenever we see each other, i smile then politely say "wala po eh". then cue light laugh, this has practically been a routine for me. if i had a peso for everytime someone asked me that I would probably have 40 or 50 pesos, enough to buy a light snack or something else.

But the thing is I don't get a peso for it. The first few times people would ask me that I wouldn't mind it, but I guess now it just got to me. I don't get pissed because I get asked that ALL the time, but maybe it's because I feel like the universe is conspiring to remind me that I'm single. I've been single for 4 years now (oh shit, it's been that long?), so I know the whole lovey dovey thing. The parts when someone texts you good morning and tells you i'll call you tonight and you talk until you both fall asleep. We weren't legal at that time, meaning our parents didn't know but his parents found out and they were cool with it, mine never found out.

Anyway maybe I've peeved by the feeling that "i found someone i was really happy with and i had an actual relationship with. then why the hell can't I find someone else to fill that void he left?". When i should actually be looking for someone better. Yes there are guys who've flirted with me, tried to court me, some I haven't responded to, some I've even flirted back with, they just probably didn't know that I was flirting back, cause when I flirt oh dear God I suck at that shit. Seriously, I have the flirtatious knowledge of a pen, trust me when I flirt it's like I'm just plain talking to someone.

Some of my guy friends say that I'm hard to get or that I'm choosy, maybe because they know the fck a guy goes through to get a girl to be their girlfriend, the thing is, don't I have just the same right as those guys do?. The girl who actually is willing to give herself to a guy, doesn't she have as much on the line as the guy?. Don't I have the right to choose the guy I'm going to go end up with?

I know that someone asked me once what if the guy that i didn't like made a super grand gesture for me and asked me to be his girlfriend, would i then answer him yes?, i said no, i still wouldn't be his girlfriend, even though I know it would be one of the biggest insults I would make but better to have the guys heart broken for that one time rather than have his heart broken for the length of the time he and i would be together, knowing that the whole relationship is a lie.

Who am I to talk about being wooed, when I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I'm not perfect. I just need someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to be around my insanity, someone who's actually willing to listen to me and well although i seem to be pushing them away that guy shouldn't be afraid to go and chase me because he knows I'm worth it.


I'll be 20 in a few months, I've gained about 10 lbs(meaning i don't fit into some of my clothes anymore) and well my love life went from about 50% awesome to absolutely non-existent. Yes there is a part of me that wishes that this will all get better soon.

me with an enthusiastic thumbs up. cheers to the new year everyone. BTW I will try my best to start updating my blog more:)

Tirrreeeddd

Have you ever felt like the whole universe is conspiring to get your ass out of anything you suddenly set your eyes on?. I feel like once I've committed to something something just starts to try to push me back down. I try my best to work hard, why the hell do you people think I haven't been updating for the last month or so. I've been busy like hell. I kinda like it and I don't.

I feel so tired lately. I've been falling asleep in some of classes, ok that is funny but I really hope that my professors see my effort and pass me.

I'll be updating more now. My professor has got me doing essays every week, fun right?

Panic Attack

Honestly I'm really sleepy and I want to sleep, but I can't cause I'm effing nervous about my grades.

I mean I've done my best, but will my professors think it's enough. I feel like I'm having a panic attack. Slowly, breathe, breathe. This whole week I keep on saying to myself "Wala akong bagsak". Because I can't afford another 5 in my card. If I get 3 more I will be debared from UST. I CAN'T TAKE THAT.


I seriously pray that I won't get another 5. I worked my ass off, most especially since I got the chicken pox and missed about 2 whole weeks of school. I've been praying non stop and I've been hoping for even just a 3 on my stat subject. I swear that a 5 free card would make my day and it would also give me the privilege to be allowed by my parents to go out and be a bit of a screw up before summer classes start.

Lord please please please, don't let me have any failing remarks. I hope you understand how much I worked. If I do have a failing remark maybe, just maybe the Lord has something else planned for me. But I really do hope I have no 5's please please.

I know that most people wouldn't obsess over grades but you seriously don't know how I was raised, when I got a line of 7 in my report card when I was in the 6th grade I balled like a little baby, yes, that's how ignorant I felt. I really pushed for my grade to become an 80 and it did, ever since then I really did try my best in academics.

Grades will be released online in a few hours. Pray for me please. For the meanwhile I will remain positive and say "I PASSED EVERYTHING. I PASSED EVERYTHING."

Stress is the word

I've been effing lazy for 2 weeks now. I haven't been that productive in school and I'm starting to think that I'll be failing statistics.

Lately I haven't gone online, well ok I have but the internet connections been whack, so my mom had to nag smart bro to get this whole shiz fixed. Now I'm sleepy, so I'm cranky. My dad just nagged and told me that someone should be answering the phone. I was pretty upset cause I was watching this whole movie for my RC subject and I couldn't get to the phone and the fact that there are about 5 more people in this house made me think that they could get it insted and well the phone wasn't beside me. This evening was the 2nd time I answered my dad in an angry tone. I predict that when my dad gets home he'll sermon me.

Ugh. That's why right after I make this blogpost I'll go to bed, even though I still have shitloads to do.

I have a 5 page paper due in 3 weeks for RC, a speech that I seriously have no topic for for my English final, a commercial for Theology and a newspaper for my major subject.

I FEEL LIKE DYING. Help me think of a topic for my English speech please. These are topics I've thought about: Libyan uprising, student vices, EDSA 25 years after.

To top it all off, I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK. I can't think of anything creative to put into words. This blogpost doesn't count. haha

Oh dear God help me.

Raindrops Have Fallen

Raindrops Have Fallen, originally uploaded by patsypatootsy.

One of the photos I took at Caleruega. Still hoping to go out on photoshoots and take more pretty pictures.

The weather's been crazy lately. La nina. Rain's been pouring pretty heavily today. Thank God I didn't have any exams scheduled today to I didn't get to go out in the rain today. But tomorrow is my prelim exam for my major subject which is newswriting. Uhh I basically kind of know nothing in this subject, our professor always relies on the reporters of the different topics which isn't exactly helping our minds to develop. But hey, that's college for you right?. I read alot of articles about newswriting today. I still don't know if that' enough for our exam tomorrow. I'm not sure what kind of exam she'll give, we're all hoping for a true false type or just make a caption or headline. But well considering last sems exams, we'd be lucky enough to get true false this sem. Cause last sem that same professor gave us a 50 item exam, 48 of that was identification only 3 was true or false, and those true or false questions were mind boggling.

Oh dear Lord help us tomorrow.

Spin Me Around

Have any of you guys seen the movie Easy A?. Well my friends and I watched it on DVD over at Tricia's place I think 3 weeks ago.

I loved the movie. It stars Emma Stone and it's all about her being a social outcast all cause people think she was a whore. I can relate with the whole whore part with how rumors can get totally twisted.

Most people really don't know how bad it feels to be judged by rumors, without actually getting to know a person. No one likes to be judged, well we can't really sway away from that but we face it every day whether we like it or not. And having rumors spread about you that are completely false don't exactly brighten up your day. I will admit that I have been talked about by other people in high school and it wasn't even in my school, it was in another school. You can't really stop those things from spreading, sometimes you only find out about rumors about you when someone is actually brave enough to ask you the truth. Which I will say doesn't happen often. There are always sides to every story. And no matter what angle you look at it people are still going to judge. As they say "Everyone's a critic". I've tried to change my reputation to some people who think they know me but I'm still wronged. I've learned somehow that even if you try to tell the truth some people just won't listen. Somehow I just deal with it because I know my family and friends know the truth which is what matters most. It was hard to understand why rumors were going on but hey I'm tired of trying to make people's minds change. After all you can't please everyone.

Anyway I also loved the soundtrack. I've tried for weeks to find the soundtrack. Finally found it this afternoon. Try searching for Life Gives Me Lemons Make Lemonade by The Boy Least Likely To. Fun song. Cheers you up on a down day. Just listened to it and it makes me smile:)

P.S. Still can't go to school. I'm still contagious:|:)))

Irked

It's been 4 days since I've gone to school. I feel really itchy. Fvck. MUST RESIST. haha

Thank God it's a Friday so I won't really have to miss so much more. I've preoccupied myself with things. I watched the first Harry Potter movie, on DVD of course. Then I started to study on my other notes. And I read the book my friend Joni gave to me on my birthday. It's been about 4 months since my birthday and only last night did I decide to read the book my friend gave me. LOL

The book is Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. I actually indirectly asked my friend for this book. My other friends told me that Eleven Minutes was really good. So I decided to put it on my wishlist for my birthday. Anyway the book is really nice and I kinda have to take a break from reading it. It's basically about a Brazilian prostitute, got you thinking didn't I?. haha

So I haven't really been eating with ease either. On Monday I started getting some pox in my mouth. The one on the roof of my mouth hurts alot. I can't eat much so I've reduced myself my soft foods. Mainly ice cream and soup. I eat chips every now and then but it just hurts a lot. Err. I can't even eat well.

Well the spots are slowly fading. If this continues I might get to go to school by Wednesday. HOPEFULLY.

Bitchy Mood

I'm not really into the mood to talk to anyone, as in opening my mouth and actually saying things. I feel depressed. I don't want to listen to alot of people now. Every time someone opens their mouth I just wish they would shut up. I know, I'm not exactly little miss sunshine today. I don't plan to elaborate on why i feel this way. Just understand that I do.

People here try to cheer me up but it doesn't work. I get all tense and teary eyed. Weird right?. Maybe the feeling I have right now is much more deeper. Maybe it's coming from somewhere I never thought even existed.

I won't be going to school tomorrow. I'll be missing alot. I hope they don't do much tomorrow so I won't miss alot of activities.

Random Thought

We've all got problems. When I was a kid I thought it was ok to just run away from them. Thinking that they won't bother, so I just let other people deal with it. Mostly those other people are my parents. But as you grow up sometimes people forget to tell you you have to deal with most things yourself and you figure that out all by yourself too.

Now, problems to me are complicated. Too hazy to even comprehend. Problems are everywhere. Every morning we see them, in the news, in magazines, at school, at work etc. They're inescapable. Solve one problem something else comes up.

I'm not trying to be a bitch here and be all pessimistic. I'm just being realistic and saying what I see right now in this world. I know for sure that this isn't the alcohol talking because I'm not drunk and the amount of vodka I drank a few moments ago won't equal to that of me doing and saying crazy things.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I love life. But sometimes when you actually think about life at this time things just come in retrospect. You contemplate more and you think of things you've never even thought of before. Life has both positive and negative effects. We still need to keep on mind that everyday is a gift and that every moment may be sign for us to just think and reflect about where we are now.

MOTHERF*CKER

Excuse the title. I'm feeling rather angry today.

Today's my sister's birthday. I don't have a lot of homework. Just have a quiz to study for but it's an essay and I know I can write my way out of essays.

I've been feeling a bit angry and frustrated these past few weeks. Friends are supposed to be your stress reliever. Your part of actual peace in your life. I haven't really been feeling that vibe with my other friends. I'm not backstabbing or anything. It's just that I'm tired of this. I've been tired because of all this drama that I feel like most of us have been dragged into.

I'm not used to drama. There is drama in my life but I don't deal with it to this extent, most of the time I just either laugh it off or just not give a damn anymore. That's how I feel numb sometimes. Call me heartless but I'm just tired of this. Helping people who actually don't need it drains the energy out of you. Because it leaves you feeling disappointed and last night I just kept on texting swear words to my friend. That shows how angry I was.

I'm trying to be a good sport here and I try to keep playing the game. But isn't life a friggin team sport?. How can you play when the other members won't cooperate?

The other thing is, I'M FVCKING TIRED OF BEING CALLED A BOYFRIEND STEALER. My mom warned me about this. Being too close to guys who are already taken, I told her that their girlfriends know that I'm just a friend. And she told me to make sure of that.

I guess I was wrong on that part. This is probably the 4th time I've been thought of as a boyfriend stealer. I know my boundaries. I've been cheated on and I know that it isn't pretty. It hurts like hell, so why the heck would I try and steal other people's boyfriends when I know it won't do any good to me. I swear that I lay my line between friendship and romance and I sure as hell make sure that I don't cross it. Right now to be honest I feel offended and it makes me look a slut.

Maybe these girls don't realize it but they feel like they're the only one's being hurt. I'm hurt even more. I have feelings too. I've gone through a rocky relationship and somehow that's taught me something. These girls should realize that I've gone through enough to know what I should and shouldn't do and stop feeling to fvcking insecure. I swear I just want the whole world to...

We'll be going to Sn'R later. I'll be expecting a huge slice of pizza when I get there. That'll be one source of relief for today.

Urgh....

I get sudden hits of depression sometimes. I know, weird. I just get all fvcking sad and get all emo. It's not like I'm bipolar or anything. It's just that my mood swings are pretty freaky. I think I'm depressed now cause tomorrow's a Thursday. I don't know anyone from my Thursday classes.

AS IN 0. ZILCH

People keep on staring at me. It's awkward. I hate people staring at me. Especially if I don't know them. I know that my look doesn't really give of "Ms. Friendly". Even my good friends say that their first impression of me was stand-offish. For short I kinda look like a bitch. Which I admit doesn't really win over alot of friends at first. Which is why some people seek my friends opinions on who I really am. I'm one of the nicest and friendliest people that you will ever meet. I swear. I guess I give off a tough exterior cause of the pain I've felt my whole life.

I MUST REMIND MYSELF TO....

People say I have a really nice smile. I smile alot. But only when I'm with my friends and family.But nonetheless, I must stay positive!. Must continue to be optimistic!. Must not let these things get in the way. Must read my assignment for tomorrow's bio class!

Ooh College..

The 1st week of classes was crazy and stressful. In my MWF classes I know at least 3 people in each of my classes. But when it came to my TTh classes I only knew like 2 people and that's only in one class. It's hard to feel lonely when you're in a room with a bunch of people who know each other. And with my Journalism lanyard I stick out like a sore thumb all cause I only have one class in a Journalism section. I vow to make friends in my TTh classes so that I wouldn't feel awkward this whole semester.

Assignments for the weekend: My RC(Rizal Course) professor gave us some books to read on for the weekend. Tried searching for them in the library after my class last Friday, no luck. Someone must've checked them out. I decided to try and look for them at National Bookstore, though I'd but them instead. Only found one of the books. Still reading it, page 1-20. Pretty interesting book, but I find it long and winding.

Then we have this assignment for Computer class. Search for some abbreviated words.

I'm already on my 2nd year of college and I, like all people are having a hard time. This is only my 1st week and I feel so stressed out. The sched I made would slowly kill me. No breaks on MWF. Though I made a 3 hr break for myself in my TTh sched. Hoping that everything would work out alright this semester.

Good thing I'll get to see my high school friends tomorrow. I'm sure that'll cheer me up:)

Not All Filipinos Are Like Mendoza

It's been 2 days since the Quirino grandstand hostage taking and the Filipino's in general have been apologizing to the world, mostly to HK for practically every offensive action we could possibly do.

Monday evening everyone watched with anticipation the intense hostage taking. We were all fearing for the victim's lives and we all prayed while watching for their safety. Every Filipino constantly commented on the S.W.A.T teams slow actions, the president's absence during the whole standoff and that it seemed that Mendoza had the ball in his court.

In the end 8 died, 7 remain injured. It was truly a sad loss not only for the people of HK but also for the people in this country. Even though we don't have any part in the hostage taking we all are sincerely sorry for the loss of many lives. No one could have ever seen this coming. At present the national security is being questioned and even the seriousness on the situation is being talked about.

Today was a national day of mourning for the souls lost in the terrible incident. We all prayed for their souls and we continue to look up to God and ask what will happen in the next few moments from now on.

I find it unfair that we are being blamed for one man's unfortunate actions. But I am also embarrassed that we are being put under fire for recent photo's of policemen and student's surfacing of turning the bus into a tourist spot. They're adding even more shame to our now badly earned reputation. It was on Monday that we all knew that the world would look at the Philippines in a new perspective. CNN is even rubbing it in our faces, I actually used to watch CNN alot, but now they make us all look like terrorists and they add fear to the people of other countries. It's offensive to try to watch the international news and have constant negative comments being said about your homeland.

Even with all the embarrassment I am still proud to call myself a Filipino. You shouldn't say anything about another country or another nationality unless you've actually been in that country for a reasonable amount of time. All that I'm saying is, people around the world shouldn't be quick to judge Filipino's. Every culture is different. I know that innocent foreigner's had gotten hurt and now the government is looking at this as a very sad lesson for all of us.

We don't deserve the title for the worst country, no country does for that matter. Because in every country there are at least a huge amount of people who work hard to not only make themselves proud but to also make their country proud. There are still those people who make us proud to wear the title FILIPINO.

Being Sick Sucks

Ever since Monday afternoon I've been feeling like crap. My head hurt like crazy. That's why after my Filipino class every friend of mine who'd pass by to greet me would ask, "Uhh Patsy, ok ka lang?". They could easily see my current condition just by looking at my face. It's either I'm that sick or I'm just that obvious these days. Haha. Anyway when I got home my headache never went away. I started feeling like crap even more. I decided to go to sleep early that night, I guess around 9. Then after that I would wake up every hour just to vomit.

Do you know how sick that feels?. I think during the 3rd time I was vomiting (Ok sorry if I'm grossing you out) deep in my mind I was thinking, "When the hell will this stop?. And why the hell to bulimic people go through all this pain just to get thin?." I started crying because I really felt that all of my body weight was literally lost from all that shit I went through. I just kept on vomiting from 10pm-1am. I really couldn't sleep a wink. That's why at about 2 in the morning I already woke up my parents and asked if I could not attend school the next day.

I hated doing that but I knew I needed to. I couldn't risk my health for that. I did know that that was a school day that was put to waste. I need high grades if I want to get into journalism. But then, I need to calm down and remember that it's just one day. No need to worry about it. I know that I'll make up for it in the next days.

Well I didn't attend PE today too. I was vomiting again this morning. Well, I had a check up, they took a sample of my blood(which I hate because now my left arm hurts so much) and my urine. They found nothing bad about me. Oh well, It must've been something I ate. Well I'm all fine now. But I get so full after just 2 bites of what I ate. Hmm. Weird.

What Is It With You?

"PRANING"

That's the Tagalog word for paranoid. I feel a certain height of paranoia right now. And every kind of paranoia isn't exactly good. It's because I really want to see this friend of mine. Well we had a thing in the past. I just really miss hanging out with him ever since he left for the States.

It's been 2 years and still, I'm left here, hanging on to every word he has told me. I don't know why but he has always made me feel special even after what he did to me in the past. I feel all screwed up and I'm not really even sure if I'm thinking straight. Usually when someone does something really really bad to me I hate them for a long time. It would take ALOT for me to forgive them. I tend to hold grudges. But with him, it's like I forget, I forget about what he did to me and think that he has done so many good things for me and that shouldn't make all the bad stuff over weigh the good.

I know that I am absolutely stupid to be this way, but I just really want to get over him. It's been 3 years now and still nothing. People tell me that there are guys who are lining up there for me, but why don't I believe them?. Why don't I care?. It's almost like the only person who I want is him. But he hurt me, he made me scared to love again. Every time guys tell me I'm beautiful or pretty, I just brush them off. I guess it's because I think that I'm not pretty. The last guy who made me believe I was pretty broke me and made me think that the girl he traded me up for was prettier, smarter and much more better than me. I sometimes feel insecure because of him.

Which makes me feel confused about him. I really want closure on this subject and I don't know how this will really all come to an end.

Why Did I Shift

"Are you sure?"

I have been thrown that question today for a number of times. And every time I would be asked that question, I felt like I was in a game show,being asked by the host if I am absolutely positive about my answer, and well, I would answer yes. I got pretty sick of all the sermons by some of the profs in my college. I somehow felt glad that my blockmates respected my decision, and they're question would be "Why?".

My answer, I chose to shift to another course because I felt that I didn't belong to the world of drawing. I know that this sounds stupid but, during the enrollment I thought that I could see myself having a job after graduation, but sadly, as days progressed in my world of fine arts, I felt like I lost myself, there was this longing inside of me to want to write things, and it took months until I could write a song again. After finishing that song I felt so relieved and I have to admit that I missed writing. I guess that I don't get the same high from holding a pencil and a sketch pad. I feel more like myself when I express myself through writing. I do know that I was stunned to find out that I knew how to draw, and I didn't suck at it that much as I expected.

Then I truly know in my heart and mind that I'm not cut out for the world of fine arts. I love all kinds of art. I am an artist, but I may not be the artist that draws, I see myself as an artist of words. I easily get satisfaction after writing an unbelievably long essay. I have discovered my passion and it is writing, I'm just glad that it didn't take me that long to find it out.

The shifting part isn't exactly my cup of tea. It's very stressful and tiring. But there is a part of that doesn't care, because I'm doing something that I believe is right for me. The stress will all be worth it once I get into the course I have shifted in and of course once I graduate. I still have 3 years to go. Wish me luck and pray for me:)

Sometimes I Wish I Was A Boy:)))

Whenever there are long lines to the girls CR, I get all frustrated. While I look at the opposite side, meaning the boys CR. There in and out there soooo fast. It's unfair, is it because women have weaker bladder control?. Hell, IDK. But it's during those times that I wish that I was a guy, then I'd zoom in and out of the CR. Weird yes, but it's so much easier that way. Haha

Also, everytime my red days come, it totally sucks ass cause I have to be careful of well, every thing I do. It screws up alot of things, it makes me consious and plus, sometimes the pain is absouloutley unbearable. Another thing, red days make me bloated. This is why girls get easily irritated on these days, they make us feel like the world is on our shoulders, clinging for stupid reasons.

It's during these times that I wish i could just magically become a boy. Hell, I'd still want to turn back into a girl though. haha

Saggy Eyes=Stressed Patsy

I have never felt this tired like, ever. College is honestly stressing me out. I really feel my eye bags bringing my eyes down. Even my parents noticed. It's actually all written on my face. The stress is basically seen on my face.

It really is true that the people in our building are the ones who never sleep. We stay up all night just to finish our plates. 'Cause of that I honestly look like one of the zombies in the thriller MV. Make-up has become one of my best friends now, due to the stress that is written on my face.

My friends tell me to rest, so I'm resting now. I don't know if my shock is from culture shock or I really am just not good at handling my time. I don't know, either way, I still look like this:



That's what doing plates 24/7 does to you. It makes you feel so crazy that you don't know how to let it all out. Well, I have to bid farewell for now, I have a theology paper to write. Yaaaaaaay:|

Have you ever had the feeling of losing a dream?. Felt as if what you wished for wasn't quite what you hoped it would be?. Well I have. Nothing in this world is ever perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. That's the horror of it all.

Ever since I was in the 6th grade I've always wanted to become a writer. I dreamt about writing books, songs, poems, you name them. Now that I'm on college, the supposed climax of our educatial life when it comes to you occupation, I get this sense of, I'm not really sure about what I'm doing with my life. A continual lapse of confusion and deep thoughts circle in my mind, as I contemplate on the decisions I've made and on the decisions I'm about to make.

I don't really know why I feel that my dream of becoming a writer is slowly fading away. I even think that my skill in writing is getting pretty suck-ish. I'm not sure on what I want now.

Want is just a really complicated and greedy word. It seems to put more focus on selfishness rather than others. I guess I'm just upset with myself and I'm letting it all out on my blog. Oh fvck.