You know something's really bad when you start crying uncontrollably all because you can't stop yourself from thoughts of getting hurt.
Most often the mind is a dangerous thing to be left alone with. I haven't felt this way in years. Words can't explain what I understand and what i wish to understand.
I've been waking up at 3am without any alarm clock and i find myself trying to force myself to go back to sleep in the next hour or so.
Maybe i'm just afraid. Fear devours me when i'm not sure what to say, when i'm just simply too damn afraid to feel experience hurt all over again.
I'll try to go to sleep. I still have class in the morning.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Another Bump in the Road
Another day another way to incessantly argue.
I was never really the type to talk back at her parents, trust me, I still am that type. It just take it all in and go to the bathroom and cry it all out. Apparently that's what made me thick skinned. I haven't cried in months.
Today felt a familiar sting. The sting of pressure, I get enough of that from my friends now from my mom. It's getting tiring, a person can only take so much until they explode.
Since I'm the only kid at home I get more time with the people here and thus more focus usually. Which can either suck or go a better direction.
I guess I feel pressured because I don't know who to talk to. And I have no idea why I'm splurging my thoughts on my blog for the world to see. Maybe I'm just lonely, since my sister is off somewhere distant for college while I'm stuck here, also in college, but stuck here.
Maybe the other reason why I actually want to leave is to escape everything. It's only July and I still have a long way to go. Now as I stare into my monitor with my eyes red and swollen I think about every single thing that made me cry.
I need to be stronger than this and remember that this is just another bump in the road.
I was never really the type to talk back at her parents, trust me, I still am that type. It just take it all in and go to the bathroom and cry it all out. Apparently that's what made me thick skinned. I haven't cried in months.
Today felt a familiar sting. The sting of pressure, I get enough of that from my friends now from my mom. It's getting tiring, a person can only take so much until they explode.
Since I'm the only kid at home I get more time with the people here and thus more focus usually. Which can either suck or go a better direction.
I guess I feel pressured because I don't know who to talk to. And I have no idea why I'm splurging my thoughts on my blog for the world to see. Maybe I'm just lonely, since my sister is off somewhere distant for college while I'm stuck here, also in college, but stuck here.
Maybe the other reason why I actually want to leave is to escape everything. It's only July and I still have a long way to go. Now as I stare into my monitor with my eyes red and swollen I think about every single thing that made me cry.
I need to be stronger than this and remember that this is just another bump in the road.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Blasphemy
Blasphemy, hell that's what I keep on hearing last week.
This whole Lady Gaga thing is being blown out of proportion and it certainly is weird when it comes in the midst of some local celebrities making comments about the third sex and about the whole same sex marriage thing.
Here's my stand on both issues, so here it goes about the first one, I personally love Lady Gaga and I've been wanting to watch her ever since she first came here because I believe she's an amazing performer and her songs speak about her, oh yeah and she's not afraid of being different.
What I don't get right now actually is why are they protesting only now?. Since she's been here before then they should've protested then. I understand about keeping to your faith and all. I'm a catholic always have and will most likely always be catholic, probably not a devout one but I am still a catholic and I own up to my mistakes. These people in protests keep on saying that Lady Gaga's the spawn of the devil because of her song Judas oh yeah and because of the video too, but calling her that well I think that's too much. The whole Judas song is actually about her ex boyfriend who cheated on her, I know that listening to them would tell a different story to you but to each his own right?. Lady Gaga's an artist and like every artist her work is certainly subject to interpretation, whether it bring praise or it be under scrutiny it's still art. I'd like to believe that I'm somehow an artist and artists love to express themselves in different ways and this is just how Lady Gaga does it, with her many adoring fans, which probably also confuses some people who hate her, why the hell does she have so many fans?. I think the answer to that is Lady Gaga embraces difference, which some of us shun. Admit it, you've laughed or even said a mean joke about someone you think isn't like you. I guess Lady Gaga sees past that and these people need someone to cling on when they feel harassed or treated unfairly.
Now on the LGBT group, I have alot of friends who are gay, bi, lesbian and transgender which may speak for who I am now, but I will admit in the past that when I was in high school I was never really in favor of the whole having a relationship with someone of the same sex. But when I got to college my horizons started to widen, how the hell was I supposed to have such a closed mind on these people when I feel that they're being treated differently. I understood how hard it was to be of the third sex and to be afraid of not being accepted because of a friend I met, at first she was hesitant to tell me about what sexual orientation she was because she said that usually people tend to judge and shun people like her if they don't really understand. That's when it hit me that those who are in the whole LGBT group aren't any different than us, we just make them out to be different because we are too stern in believing that man and woman should only be together. We forget about how many feelings we hurt, how many people we say shouldn't be themselves all because of our beliefs. Every Sunday at church I'm taught that God accepts everyone even the sinners so to my understanding God will accept those children who are different because he also created them. Maybe we tend to forget about God creating everyone to his own liking. And the whole same sex marriage thing, well love is love, who are we to stop it?. So since these people like someone of the same sex doesn't mean that they should lose all right in this world.
This whole Lady Gaga thing is being blown out of proportion and it certainly is weird when it comes in the midst of some local celebrities making comments about the third sex and about the whole same sex marriage thing.
Here's my stand on both issues, so here it goes about the first one, I personally love Lady Gaga and I've been wanting to watch her ever since she first came here because I believe she's an amazing performer and her songs speak about her, oh yeah and she's not afraid of being different.
What I don't get right now actually is why are they protesting only now?. Since she's been here before then they should've protested then. I understand about keeping to your faith and all. I'm a catholic always have and will most likely always be catholic, probably not a devout one but I am still a catholic and I own up to my mistakes. These people in protests keep on saying that Lady Gaga's the spawn of the devil because of her song Judas oh yeah and because of the video too, but calling her that well I think that's too much. The whole Judas song is actually about her ex boyfriend who cheated on her, I know that listening to them would tell a different story to you but to each his own right?. Lady Gaga's an artist and like every artist her work is certainly subject to interpretation, whether it bring praise or it be under scrutiny it's still art. I'd like to believe that I'm somehow an artist and artists love to express themselves in different ways and this is just how Lady Gaga does it, with her many adoring fans, which probably also confuses some people who hate her, why the hell does she have so many fans?. I think the answer to that is Lady Gaga embraces difference, which some of us shun. Admit it, you've laughed or even said a mean joke about someone you think isn't like you. I guess Lady Gaga sees past that and these people need someone to cling on when they feel harassed or treated unfairly.
Now on the LGBT group, I have alot of friends who are gay, bi, lesbian and transgender which may speak for who I am now, but I will admit in the past that when I was in high school I was never really in favor of the whole having a relationship with someone of the same sex. But when I got to college my horizons started to widen, how the hell was I supposed to have such a closed mind on these people when I feel that they're being treated differently. I understood how hard it was to be of the third sex and to be afraid of not being accepted because of a friend I met, at first she was hesitant to tell me about what sexual orientation she was because she said that usually people tend to judge and shun people like her if they don't really understand. That's when it hit me that those who are in the whole LGBT group aren't any different than us, we just make them out to be different because we are too stern in believing that man and woman should only be together. We forget about how many feelings we hurt, how many people we say shouldn't be themselves all because of our beliefs. Every Sunday at church I'm taught that God accepts everyone even the sinners so to my understanding God will accept those children who are different because he also created them. Maybe we tend to forget about God creating everyone to his own liking. And the whole same sex marriage thing, well love is love, who are we to stop it?. So since these people like someone of the same sex doesn't mean that they should lose all right in this world.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
We always want what's best for us, and eventually they become selfish thoughts. We tend to forget people around us. It's like rank, money, fame and success matter more than an actual person.
We forget that there are other people in this world, greed gets the best of us. Yes thinking about yourself sometimes isn't bad, but can't we just be happy for someone?. Does sitting in the sidelines hurt too much that we would choose spiteful words and just severe all ties. Maybe we forget that the people we hate on also have feelings and that it could hurt them knowing that the people around them aren't happy for them.
I recently realized that hating on someone won't get you everywhere. Ok, you hate someone, you'll get over it eventually, what is hating on someone for a short while if you've lost them your whole life.
We forget that there are other people in this world, greed gets the best of us. Yes thinking about yourself sometimes isn't bad, but can't we just be happy for someone?. Does sitting in the sidelines hurt too much that we would choose spiteful words and just severe all ties. Maybe we forget that the people we hate on also have feelings and that it could hurt them knowing that the people around them aren't happy for them.
I recently realized that hating on someone won't get you everywhere. Ok, you hate someone, you'll get over it eventually, what is hating on someone for a short while if you've lost them your whole life.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Prayers, Love and Hope
Today my friend Angelica and I along with my mom and Angelica's dad visited our high school principal Sister Teresita or as we'd like to call her Sister Tess. We had recently found out that she had been struck with tongue cancer. Yes, there is such a thing as tongue cancer, even Sister was shocked to have heard of it.
As we waited in the visitors area at first we all whispered about who we know have visited her. Then Sister came and we all took turns hugging her. She's thinner than before but for someone who's going though a lot of cancer treatment she looks good, to be honest. She then spoke, she couldn't pronounce well or as we call it here in the Philippines "bulol" , it was because of all the therapy she was going through. Although prior to that, during the early stages, of which when she hadn't found out yet that it was cancer, wherein she couldn't speak and hat to use a chalkboard to let people know what she wanted to say.
Thank God now she can talk. Sadly since she was "bulol" we couldn't understand half of what she was saying but we understood most of her stories. The one that touched us the most was when she told us that St. Therese of the child Jesus was her patron saint, she would pray to her everyday, and one time she asked St. Therese please send me one rose as a sign than I am getting better, a few days after, just this Thursday to be exact Angelica and I along with our other high school friends were supposed to visit Sister but we missed her when she left for some treatments. So we left her our gifts.That night when she got to the convent the lady at the front desk had given her our gifts, and one of them was a bouquet of roses. She hugged them and cried and said St. Therese I was asking for only one. Hopefully with that sign it really does mean that she's getting better.
As she was telling us stories she was actually smiling and at times laughing. It was such a delight to see someone of her predicament to still have a smile on her face. She even said that she accepts her fate and is constantly praying to God.
The whole visit Sister Tess mostly did all the talking, since she does love to talk, despite her condition which I found awesome of her, since she still has that fighting and tenacious spirit that I remember when I was in high school. The four of us in the room with her didn't say much, maybe because we were caught off guard about how her condition and maybe we felt that if we talked too much it would tire Sister Tess, but it seemingly did not tire her.
It's definitely hard to see someone close to you to go through such a large obstacle in life, in this case cancer, most especially a mentor like persona. But Sister through my eyes is an inspiration because she accepts what she's going through and she continues to fight it.
Right now she asks for prayers from everyone and as I hugged her goodbye I reassured her that we will continuously be praying for her. As I wiped off tears while walking away, in my head I said "God please help her."
To those of you reading this, please please please pray for her recovery and if you don't really pray then just think of a positive thought that she will get through this.
<--This is me and my friend Rosa with Sister Tess taken at our high school graduation.
As we waited in the visitors area at first we all whispered about who we know have visited her. Then Sister came and we all took turns hugging her. She's thinner than before but for someone who's going though a lot of cancer treatment she looks good, to be honest. She then spoke, she couldn't pronounce well or as we call it here in the Philippines "bulol" , it was because of all the therapy she was going through. Although prior to that, during the early stages, of which when she hadn't found out yet that it was cancer, wherein she couldn't speak and hat to use a chalkboard to let people know what she wanted to say.
Thank God now she can talk. Sadly since she was "bulol" we couldn't understand half of what she was saying but we understood most of her stories. The one that touched us the most was when she told us that St. Therese of the child Jesus was her patron saint, she would pray to her everyday, and one time she asked St. Therese please send me one rose as a sign than I am getting better, a few days after, just this Thursday to be exact Angelica and I along with our other high school friends were supposed to visit Sister but we missed her when she left for some treatments. So we left her our gifts.That night when she got to the convent the lady at the front desk had given her our gifts, and one of them was a bouquet of roses. She hugged them and cried and said St. Therese I was asking for only one. Hopefully with that sign it really does mean that she's getting better.
As she was telling us stories she was actually smiling and at times laughing. It was such a delight to see someone of her predicament to still have a smile on her face. She even said that she accepts her fate and is constantly praying to God.
The whole visit Sister Tess mostly did all the talking, since she does love to talk, despite her condition which I found awesome of her, since she still has that fighting and tenacious spirit that I remember when I was in high school. The four of us in the room with her didn't say much, maybe because we were caught off guard about how her condition and maybe we felt that if we talked too much it would tire Sister Tess, but it seemingly did not tire her.
It's definitely hard to see someone close to you to go through such a large obstacle in life, in this case cancer, most especially a mentor like persona. But Sister through my eyes is an inspiration because she accepts what she's going through and she continues to fight it.
Right now she asks for prayers from everyone and as I hugged her goodbye I reassured her that we will continuously be praying for her. As I wiped off tears while walking away, in my head I said "God please help her."
To those of you reading this, please please please pray for her recovery and if you don't really pray then just think of a positive thought that she will get through this.
<--This is me and my friend Rosa with Sister Tess taken at our high school graduation.Monday, February 20, 2012
makeover rush
it's almost 12 and i'm still not asleep, i have a lot on my mind and i have an 8:30am class tomorrow, crap i hope i won't be late. anyway:
Last Saturday my sister and her friend worked on their project for their technology and living education subject, their project was to make someone over, with full hair and make up one evening look and one day look. they used me as their dummy/model and i asked my good friend Jonathan Balonso (you could check out some of his awesome shots here http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonathanbalonso/) to take photos.
the mood was fun yet panicky at the same time since clothes and make up were everywhere and we had to get it all done early. here are ze results:
Last Saturday my sister and her friend worked on their project for their technology and living education subject, their project was to make someone over, with full hair and make up one evening look and one day look. they used me as their dummy/model and i asked my good friend Jonathan Balonso (you could check out some of his awesome shots here http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonathanbalonso/) to take photos.
the mood was fun yet panicky at the same time since clothes and make up were everywhere and we had to get it all done early. here are ze results:
day look 1
day look 2
evening 1
evening 2
the girls were the one's who put make up on me and they were the one's who chose the clothes. i apologize for not really being at par with mediocre models. LOL. so what do you guys think about what they did?. i think they did a superb job:)
Hanggang Ngayon
i made this WAAAAAY back in '07, i believe i posted this on my multiply blog. i was inspired by friends of mine who were a couple at the time. now they're not together but it was nice to see how much they actually loved each other back then:)
Refrain:
1.Nung nagkahiwalay ay parang gumuho ang mundo ko
Ang tanging inaasam ay makita kang muli
Pinangako sa isa’t-isa na magmamahal ng habang buhay
Ngunit bakit nagkaganito sinasadya ba ng tadhana?
Chorus:
Hanggang ngayon ay handa akong ialay ang buhay para sa ‘yo
Ang laging pangarap ay makasama ka muli
Pero bakit ganon at lumalayo ka na sa aking piling
Dinarasal kong bawat gabi na sana bumalik ang dating pag-ibig
2.Bakit ganito, talaga bang sinasadya bang kailangang magkalayo?
Sa tuwing iniisip ka lumuluha ang aking mga mata
Bumabalik ang mga nakaraan ang ating mga kasihayan
Bawat oras ay hindi kita matanggal sa isip dahil sa….
Chorus again
Hindi ko sinasyadyang ikaw ay masakatan
Ginawa ko lang naman ang mga ito para sa ‘yo
Dahil ikaw lang ang tanging mahal ng sa buhay ko
Monday, January 23, 2012
i seem to need a reality check
i dreamt about him the other night. i have no idea if you people know who him is, well idc, this is my blog so imma post about it anyway. i may probably be in a cranky mood since i'm slightly sleepy and i need some rest.
anyway back to my dream, we saw each other again in a movie theater and he had a new girlfriend. yeah i summed the story up because it's too long and i can't remember the rest. this whole thing is fucked up to me because we haven't talked in months and he has a girlfriend and i would like to say that i have a boyfriend or a fling or just someone i have a connection with right now, but no, fact is with the billions of people in this world it's hard to find an actual connection, even if it's just temporary.
maybe i'm just frustrated that i haven't quite found one of those so called "the one" crap. i may probably be having one of "those days", where i'm bitter, i'm all alone bla bla bla and all that shit. trust me this has gone on, this will pass, i've gone through one of these episodes, but when will i eventually stop having these episodes?. soon i hope.
anyway back to my dream, we saw each other again in a movie theater and he had a new girlfriend. yeah i summed the story up because it's too long and i can't remember the rest. this whole thing is fucked up to me because we haven't talked in months and he has a girlfriend and i would like to say that i have a boyfriend or a fling or just someone i have a connection with right now, but no, fact is with the billions of people in this world it's hard to find an actual connection, even if it's just temporary.
maybe i'm just frustrated that i haven't quite found one of those so called "the one" crap. i may probably be having one of "those days", where i'm bitter, i'm all alone bla bla bla and all that shit. trust me this has gone on, this will pass, i've gone through one of these episodes, but when will i eventually stop having these episodes?. soon i hope.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
new year, new rants
"Ang ganda naman ni Patricia, may boyfriend ka na ba?"
That's what I always here from my aunt's and uncle's whenever we see each other, i smile then politely say "wala po eh". then cue light laugh, this has practically been a routine for me. if i had a peso for everytime someone asked me that I would probably have 40 or 50 pesos, enough to buy a light snack or something else.
But the thing is I don't get a peso for it. The first few times people would ask me that I wouldn't mind it, but I guess now it just got to me. I don't get pissed because I get asked that ALL the time, but maybe it's because I feel like the universe is conspiring to remind me that I'm single. I've been single for 4 years now (oh shit, it's been that long?), so I know the whole lovey dovey thing. The parts when someone texts you good morning and tells you i'll call you tonight and you talk until you both fall asleep. We weren't legal at that time, meaning our parents didn't know but his parents found out and they were cool with it, mine never found out.
Anyway maybe I've peeved by the feeling that "i found someone i was really happy with and i had an actual relationship with. then why the hell can't I find someone else to fill that void he left?". When i should actually be looking for someone better. Yes there are guys who've flirted with me, tried to court me, some I haven't responded to, some I've even flirted back with, they just probably didn't know that I was flirting back, cause when I flirt oh dear God I suck at that shit. Seriously, I have the flirtatious knowledge of a pen, trust me when I flirt it's like I'm just plain talking to someone.
Some of my guy friends say that I'm hard to get or that I'm choosy, maybe because they know the fck a guy goes through to get a girl to be their girlfriend, the thing is, don't I have just the same right as those guys do?. The girl who actually is willing to give herself to a guy, doesn't she have as much on the line as the guy?. Don't I have the right to choose the guy I'm going to go end up with?
I know that someone asked me once what if the guy that i didn't like made a super grand gesture for me and asked me to be his girlfriend, would i then answer him yes?, i said no, i still wouldn't be his girlfriend, even though I know it would be one of the biggest insults I would make but better to have the guys heart broken for that one time rather than have his heart broken for the length of the time he and i would be together, knowing that the whole relationship is a lie.
Who am I to talk about being wooed, when I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I'm not perfect. I just need someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to be around my insanity, someone who's actually willing to listen to me and well although i seem to be pushing them away that guy shouldn't be afraid to go and chase me because he knows I'm worth it.
I'll be 20 in a few months, I've gained about 10 lbs(meaning i don't fit into some of my clothes anymore) and well my love life went from about 50% awesome to absolutely non-existent. Yes there is a part of me that wishes that this will all get better soon.
me with an enthusiastic thumbs up. cheers to the new year everyone. BTW I will try my best to start updating my blog more:)
That's what I always here from my aunt's and uncle's whenever we see each other, i smile then politely say "wala po eh". then cue light laugh, this has practically been a routine for me. if i had a peso for everytime someone asked me that I would probably have 40 or 50 pesos, enough to buy a light snack or something else.
But the thing is I don't get a peso for it. The first few times people would ask me that I wouldn't mind it, but I guess now it just got to me. I don't get pissed because I get asked that ALL the time, but maybe it's because I feel like the universe is conspiring to remind me that I'm single. I've been single for 4 years now (oh shit, it's been that long?), so I know the whole lovey dovey thing. The parts when someone texts you good morning and tells you i'll call you tonight and you talk until you both fall asleep. We weren't legal at that time, meaning our parents didn't know but his parents found out and they were cool with it, mine never found out.
Anyway maybe I've peeved by the feeling that "i found someone i was really happy with and i had an actual relationship with. then why the hell can't I find someone else to fill that void he left?". When i should actually be looking for someone better. Yes there are guys who've flirted with me, tried to court me, some I haven't responded to, some I've even flirted back with, they just probably didn't know that I was flirting back, cause when I flirt oh dear God I suck at that shit. Seriously, I have the flirtatious knowledge of a pen, trust me when I flirt it's like I'm just plain talking to someone.
Some of my guy friends say that I'm hard to get or that I'm choosy, maybe because they know the fck a guy goes through to get a girl to be their girlfriend, the thing is, don't I have just the same right as those guys do?. The girl who actually is willing to give herself to a guy, doesn't she have as much on the line as the guy?. Don't I have the right to choose the guy I'm going to go end up with?
I know that someone asked me once what if the guy that i didn't like made a super grand gesture for me and asked me to be his girlfriend, would i then answer him yes?, i said no, i still wouldn't be his girlfriend, even though I know it would be one of the biggest insults I would make but better to have the guys heart broken for that one time rather than have his heart broken for the length of the time he and i would be together, knowing that the whole relationship is a lie.
Who am I to talk about being wooed, when I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I'm not perfect. I just need someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to be around my insanity, someone who's actually willing to listen to me and well although i seem to be pushing them away that guy shouldn't be afraid to go and chase me because he knows I'm worth it.
I'll be 20 in a few months, I've gained about 10 lbs(meaning i don't fit into some of my clothes anymore) and well my love life went from about 50% awesome to absolutely non-existent. Yes there is a part of me that wishes that this will all get better soon.
me with an enthusiastic thumbs up. cheers to the new year everyone. BTW I will try my best to start updating my blog more:)
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