What Is Right In This World?

What if you had to lie just to please someone you love?. Would you still lie knowing that you would end up as a hypocrite?. Or just be honest and let everything all out?

Nothing ever seems to be easy in this world. Which is why it just makes living more complicated. Everything that we do is constantly being judged and there are times that we can never really satisfy everyone in this world no matter how hard you try.

I hate the feeling of lying, I have a conscience that makes me feel so bad inside. I guess I've kind of gotten used to the idea. Nonetheless that doesn't make it right.

But here's the thing, sometimes lying does hurt you,but it helps others. That must be why we feel like lying is sometimes a good thing. Lying about little things may by minor. But having to keep up a lie for a certain period of time really is a stretch. It's this charade that you feel is impossible to get out of. You started the lie, that makes it even harder to get out of.

The truth to some is very daring and obscene, creating anger and well just bad thoughts. In my opinion, the lying part is easy.

The "what if they catch you" part or the "I feel guilty so I'm telling the truth" part is the most difficult of all. For the first one, you're never prepared for that. You just make it all up as it goes along.

With the 2nd one, you're more nervous and you hope that it all goes as planned.

We're all never perfect, we never really know what to. I'm really sorry to be a downer here, but this is just my melancholic side going on. This is my way of lashing out.

Being Sick Sucks

Ever since Monday afternoon I've been feeling like crap. My head hurt like crazy. That's why after my Filipino class every friend of mine who'd pass by to greet me would ask, "Uhh Patsy, ok ka lang?". They could easily see my current condition just by looking at my face. It's either I'm that sick or I'm just that obvious these days. Haha. Anyway when I got home my headache never went away. I started feeling like crap even more. I decided to go to sleep early that night, I guess around 9. Then after that I would wake up every hour just to vomit.

Do you know how sick that feels?. I think during the 3rd time I was vomiting (Ok sorry if I'm grossing you out) deep in my mind I was thinking, "When the hell will this stop?. And why the hell to bulimic people go through all this pain just to get thin?." I started crying because I really felt that all of my body weight was literally lost from all that shit I went through. I just kept on vomiting from 10pm-1am. I really couldn't sleep a wink. That's why at about 2 in the morning I already woke up my parents and asked if I could not attend school the next day.

I hated doing that but I knew I needed to. I couldn't risk my health for that. I did know that that was a school day that was put to waste. I need high grades if I want to get into journalism. But then, I need to calm down and remember that it's just one day. No need to worry about it. I know that I'll make up for it in the next days.

Well I didn't attend PE today too. I was vomiting again this morning. Well, I had a check up, they took a sample of my blood(which I hate because now my left arm hurts so much) and my urine. They found nothing bad about me. Oh well, It must've been something I ate. Well I'm all fine now. But I get so full after just 2 bites of what I ate. Hmm. Weird.

What Is It With You?

"PRANING"

That's the Tagalog word for paranoid. I feel a certain height of paranoia right now. And every kind of paranoia isn't exactly good. It's because I really want to see this friend of mine. Well we had a thing in the past. I just really miss hanging out with him ever since he left for the States.

It's been 2 years and still, I'm left here, hanging on to every word he has told me. I don't know why but he has always made me feel special even after what he did to me in the past. I feel all screwed up and I'm not really even sure if I'm thinking straight. Usually when someone does something really really bad to me I hate them for a long time. It would take ALOT for me to forgive them. I tend to hold grudges. But with him, it's like I forget, I forget about what he did to me and think that he has done so many good things for me and that shouldn't make all the bad stuff over weigh the good.

I know that I am absolutely stupid to be this way, but I just really want to get over him. It's been 3 years now and still nothing. People tell me that there are guys who are lining up there for me, but why don't I believe them?. Why don't I care?. It's almost like the only person who I want is him. But he hurt me, he made me scared to love again. Every time guys tell me I'm beautiful or pretty, I just brush them off. I guess it's because I think that I'm not pretty. The last guy who made me believe I was pretty broke me and made me think that the girl he traded me up for was prettier, smarter and much more better than me. I sometimes feel insecure because of him.

Which makes me feel confused about him. I really want closure on this subject and I don't know how this will really all come to an end.

Why Did I Shift

"Are you sure?"

I have been thrown that question today for a number of times. And every time I would be asked that question, I felt like I was in a game show,being asked by the host if I am absolutely positive about my answer, and well, I would answer yes. I got pretty sick of all the sermons by some of the profs in my college. I somehow felt glad that my blockmates respected my decision, and they're question would be "Why?".

My answer, I chose to shift to another course because I felt that I didn't belong to the world of drawing. I know that this sounds stupid but, during the enrollment I thought that I could see myself having a job after graduation, but sadly, as days progressed in my world of fine arts, I felt like I lost myself, there was this longing inside of me to want to write things, and it took months until I could write a song again. After finishing that song I felt so relieved and I have to admit that I missed writing. I guess that I don't get the same high from holding a pencil and a sketch pad. I feel more like myself when I express myself through writing. I do know that I was stunned to find out that I knew how to draw, and I didn't suck at it that much as I expected.

Then I truly know in my heart and mind that I'm not cut out for the world of fine arts. I love all kinds of art. I am an artist, but I may not be the artist that draws, I see myself as an artist of words. I easily get satisfaction after writing an unbelievably long essay. I have discovered my passion and it is writing, I'm just glad that it didn't take me that long to find it out.

The shifting part isn't exactly my cup of tea. It's very stressful and tiring. But there is a part of that doesn't care, because I'm doing something that I believe is right for me. The stress will all be worth it once I get into the course I have shifted in and of course once I graduate. I still have 3 years to go. Wish me luck and pray for me:)

Sometimes I Wish I Was A Boy:)))

Whenever there are long lines to the girls CR, I get all frustrated. While I look at the opposite side, meaning the boys CR. There in and out there soooo fast. It's unfair, is it because women have weaker bladder control?. Hell, IDK. But it's during those times that I wish that I was a guy, then I'd zoom in and out of the CR. Weird yes, but it's so much easier that way. Haha

Also, everytime my red days come, it totally sucks ass cause I have to be careful of well, every thing I do. It screws up alot of things, it makes me consious and plus, sometimes the pain is absouloutley unbearable. Another thing, red days make me bloated. This is why girls get easily irritated on these days, they make us feel like the world is on our shoulders, clinging for stupid reasons.

It's during these times that I wish i could just magically become a boy. Hell, I'd still want to turn back into a girl though. haha