Urgh....

I get sudden hits of depression sometimes. I know, weird. I just get all fvcking sad and get all emo. It's not like I'm bipolar or anything. It's just that my mood swings are pretty freaky. I think I'm depressed now cause tomorrow's a Thursday. I don't know anyone from my Thursday classes.

AS IN 0. ZILCH

People keep on staring at me. It's awkward. I hate people staring at me. Especially if I don't know them. I know that my look doesn't really give of "Ms. Friendly". Even my good friends say that their first impression of me was stand-offish. For short I kinda look like a bitch. Which I admit doesn't really win over alot of friends at first. Which is why some people seek my friends opinions on who I really am. I'm one of the nicest and friendliest people that you will ever meet. I swear. I guess I give off a tough exterior cause of the pain I've felt my whole life.

I MUST REMIND MYSELF TO....

People say I have a really nice smile. I smile alot. But only when I'm with my friends and family.But nonetheless, I must stay positive!. Must continue to be optimistic!. Must not let these things get in the way. Must read my assignment for tomorrow's bio class!

What Is It With You?

"PRANING"

That's the Tagalog word for paranoid. I feel a certain height of paranoia right now. And every kind of paranoia isn't exactly good. It's because I really want to see this friend of mine. Well we had a thing in the past. I just really miss hanging out with him ever since he left for the States.

It's been 2 years and still, I'm left here, hanging on to every word he has told me. I don't know why but he has always made me feel special even after what he did to me in the past. I feel all screwed up and I'm not really even sure if I'm thinking straight. Usually when someone does something really really bad to me I hate them for a long time. It would take ALOT for me to forgive them. I tend to hold grudges. But with him, it's like I forget, I forget about what he did to me and think that he has done so many good things for me and that shouldn't make all the bad stuff over weigh the good.

I know that I am absolutely stupid to be this way, but I just really want to get over him. It's been 3 years now and still nothing. People tell me that there are guys who are lining up there for me, but why don't I believe them?. Why don't I care?. It's almost like the only person who I want is him. But he hurt me, he made me scared to love again. Every time guys tell me I'm beautiful or pretty, I just brush them off. I guess it's because I think that I'm not pretty. The last guy who made me believe I was pretty broke me and made me think that the girl he traded me up for was prettier, smarter and much more better than me. I sometimes feel insecure because of him.

Which makes me feel confused about him. I really want closure on this subject and I don't know how this will really all come to an end.

Why Did I Shift

"Are you sure?"

I have been thrown that question today for a number of times. And every time I would be asked that question, I felt like I was in a game show,being asked by the host if I am absolutely positive about my answer, and well, I would answer yes. I got pretty sick of all the sermons by some of the profs in my college. I somehow felt glad that my blockmates respected my decision, and they're question would be "Why?".

My answer, I chose to shift to another course because I felt that I didn't belong to the world of drawing. I know that this sounds stupid but, during the enrollment I thought that I could see myself having a job after graduation, but sadly, as days progressed in my world of fine arts, I felt like I lost myself, there was this longing inside of me to want to write things, and it took months until I could write a song again. After finishing that song I felt so relieved and I have to admit that I missed writing. I guess that I don't get the same high from holding a pencil and a sketch pad. I feel more like myself when I express myself through writing. I do know that I was stunned to find out that I knew how to draw, and I didn't suck at it that much as I expected.

Then I truly know in my heart and mind that I'm not cut out for the world of fine arts. I love all kinds of art. I am an artist, but I may not be the artist that draws, I see myself as an artist of words. I easily get satisfaction after writing an unbelievably long essay. I have discovered my passion and it is writing, I'm just glad that it didn't take me that long to find it out.

The shifting part isn't exactly my cup of tea. It's very stressful and tiring. But there is a part of that doesn't care, because I'm doing something that I believe is right for me. The stress will all be worth it once I get into the course I have shifted in and of course once I graduate. I still have 3 years to go. Wish me luck and pray for me:)

Love

Right now, I feel bad, but I didn't do anything bad at all. It hurts to think that when you've discovered something new, it's almost like a must to let another good thing go in your life. It makes you realize that love is a give and take situation. You can never just keep on taking, you also have to give in order for you to last as long as you know you will. AS I've grown up, I've seen and had friends who've come and gone. That's why I've learned that in every relationship, it's important to have trust, whether in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, or even friendships. For without trust, you will go on in your life always worrying and asking things that aren't even needed to be asked about.


I believe that nothing is more complicated than love. It's one thing in this world that we all try to figure out, but only very few actually understand it. They say that love is so blind that it can make you do crazy things. In my perspective, I don't call that love, love is true, love doesn't judge, love is simple once you find it. With love, most people realize what's been there all along, but then, with love, you're ready to let go when needed and just stay in the backseat, wishing that that was you sitting on that passenger's seat.

Jimmy Eat World - Kill Mp3

Saggy Eyes=Stressed Patsy

I have never felt this tired like, ever. College is honestly stressing me out. I really feel my eye bags bringing my eyes down. Even my parents noticed. It's actually all written on my face. The stress is basically seen on my face.

It really is true that the people in our building are the ones who never sleep. We stay up all night just to finish our plates. 'Cause of that I honestly look like one of the zombies in the thriller MV. Make-up has become one of my best friends now, due to the stress that is written on my face.

My friends tell me to rest, so I'm resting now. I don't know if my shock is from culture shock or I really am just not good at handling my time. I don't know, either way, I still look like this:



That's what doing plates 24/7 does to you. It makes you feel so crazy that you don't know how to let it all out. Well, I have to bid farewell for now, I have a theology paper to write. Yaaaaaaay:|

Have you ever had the feeling of losing a dream?. Felt as if what you wished for wasn't quite what you hoped it would be?. Well I have. Nothing in this world is ever perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. That's the horror of it all.

Ever since I was in the 6th grade I've always wanted to become a writer. I dreamt about writing books, songs, poems, you name them. Now that I'm on college, the supposed climax of our educatial life when it comes to you occupation, I get this sense of, I'm not really sure about what I'm doing with my life. A continual lapse of confusion and deep thoughts circle in my mind, as I contemplate on the decisions I've made and on the decisions I'm about to make.

I don't really know why I feel that my dream of becoming a writer is slowly fading away. I even think that my skill in writing is getting pretty suck-ish. I'm not sure on what I want now.

Want is just a really complicated and greedy word. It seems to put more focus on selfishness rather than others. I guess I'm just upset with myself and I'm letting it all out on my blog. Oh fvck.

I'm At A Confused State Right Now:|

When I arrived at the grocery to meet up with my dad last Thursday. He immediately opened up the topic about my course. He asked me if I really do want my course. My answer?. Well, I just raised my shoulders in an "I don't know manner", because I'm not really sure if this is what I want.

I guess I do miss writing, A LOT. It's been a big part of me after all. Maybe that's what I want to do, write. Then, I was thinking about shifting and all the troubles it would cause me and other people. But, is it all really worth the stress?

Hell, I don't know, I'm still confused about what I want. After all not everyone knows what they want. Every single decision we make as humans could be critical to the survival of one. I may be getting a bit carried away here, but hey, it could happen, we never know right?.

You must be thinking that maybe the smell of the paints I've been using lately have gone to my head, you may be wrong or you could even be right. I believe that I'm not thinking straight these days. My mind has been on a constant loop. Maybe it just needs time to reset itself, hmm, I don't know.